AMERICA NEEDS MORE BABIES

The abortion rate in the United States has been cut in half since 1980. Teen pregnancies are on a downward slope as well. Abortion foes say that the declines are because many states have passed legislation severely restricting abortion. But the birth rate hasn't risen in the meantime. So the reduction of the abortion rate cannot be because of those restrictions. There are only two possible reasons. Either Americans are having less sex or they are practicing contraception.

European analysts have been quick to suggest that a lack of sexual activity among Americans should not be a surprise to anyone. "The American attitude toward sex is like the European attitude toward Russia," explained Dutch sexologist Hans Palmstroker. "We are fascinated by it but every time we dip our schwanzstucker in, we get burned."

American conservatives, on the other hand, are reluctant to believe anything that can be proven statistically. Talk show commentator Russ Fury explained, "Who cares about reasons? Can a country that elects Donald Trump claim to have any relationship with reason?"

Fury went on to declare, "Whatever the cause, we need more babies. Every other country in the world is having babies - except those namby-pamby Europeans. We Americans need to step up to the plate. Thank God Congress is getting ready to defund Planned Parenthood. That'll show those Chinese and Mexicans that we can compete."

#22 - HOW DID WE GET SO STUPID?

It's no longer funny. We're stupid. Americans are stupid. That's not to say that idiocy is an exclusively American trait. But we're damn close to qualifying for a patent.

Stay with me. If you don't like what I say at first, I'm certain to really piss you off later.

LINDSEY GRAHAM AND FLOOD AID
The man is running for President, voted against increased federal funding for the Northeast in the wake of SuperStorm Sandy, and is asking for federal aid after flooding in his state from Hurricane Joaquin. Huh? Does he think that nobody notices this kind of shit?

Does he think that we are that stupid? Or is he that stupid?

Probably both.



GUNS 
Tell me truthfully. You like guns, don't you? That's really what it's about with you. You like the noise they make, the way that they shred targets at the range, the feel of the steel in your hand when your dick isn't in it.

How many deaths will it take 'til we know that too many people have died? The answer to the latest mass shooting is more guns? Seriously? 350,000,000 guns is not enough guns? They've managed to warp your intellect to the point that you do not understand or care that having a gun in your house is many times more likely to kill you, a family member, or an innocent stranger than an intruder.

In fact, he statistical reality is that for every justifiable homicide in the United States - for every lethal shooting in defense of life or property - guns are used to commit 34 murders, 78 suicides, and are the cause of two accidental deaths. (FBI data quoted by the Washington Post.)

If you are a responsible gun owner and keep your guns locked in a safe, how useful will it really be when the zombies break the glass? And if it's in your bedside table, how much would you be willing to bet me that your kid hasn't already pulled it out and played with it? Let's ask him.

Or maybe your answer is that guns don't kill people. People kill people.

PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE WITH GUNS!

And I'm sorry, but the majority of mass murderers are not mentally ill and a majority of mass murderers obtained their guns legally. So don't deflect by bringing up mental illness. And don't deflect by bringing up the futility of gun laws. Make it hard work to become a mass murderer with guns and I agree that folks will find different ways to demonstrate that they are antisocial, maybe by putting on body armor and entering a school building with the intention of tickling a bunch of people until they laugh themselves to death.

Owning a gun is a Constitutional right, you argue? According to the Constitution, you could drink liquor...until the Constitution said that you couldn't...until the Constitution said that you could again. Sane people can change their minds.

So I'm sorry. If you think that the answer is more guns, you are simply no longer rational. You've been bent by the propaganda.

FIORINA
Hewlett-Packard missed a majority of its earnings projections at the end of Fiorina's tenure. It's stock tanked by a greater percentage than its closest competitors when the tech bubble burst. It's acquisition of Compaq was the only thing that kept its corporate head above water. But you tell me, how many HP/Compaq products do you own today? Fiorina says that HP's Board made a mistake when it fired her. But the day after Fiorina was fired, the markets were so happy that the value of the company increased by $3 billion!

Fiorina is therefore a highly qualified candidate for President?

Or try this. When discussing Planned Parenthood during the recent televised debate, Fiorina urged the Obama to view a video of an aborted fetus. But the video wasn't the one created by the folks attempting to trash Planned Parenthood. In fact, the fetus in the video had nothing to do with Planned Parenthood. In fact, the fetus had nothing to do with abortion. The fetus was the product of a miscarriage. "Technicality," claims Fiorina.

THAT'S what qualifies Fiorina for the Presidency, the ability to inflate her resume and lie with a straight face.

And by the way, the number of states that have investigated Planned Parenthood since this business began is up around twelve. Not one investigation has turned up any wrongdoing. If Missouri can't make a case, nobody can. 

#14 - U.N.C.L.E., BARRY BONDS, FETAL TISSUE

U.N.C.L.E.
Last week I made the point that our new Siamese kitten's name sounds like the name of David McCallum's character in The Man From U.N.C.L.E.. So I thought that it would be a good time to sneak a peek at an episode of what had been one of my favorite shows. It's been a lot of years. I tried the pilot.

Unwatchable. I mean, really terrible. Not camp. Just terrible.

What a disappointment!



BARRY BONDS

The government has dropped all charges against Bonds. He's been found guilty of no crimes. He has never failed a drug test. He's not in the Hall of Fame. He should be.

The HOF has enshrined drunks, bigots, and womanizers. But Bonds cheated, you say? Cheating is cause to prevent enshrinement in the HOF? Two words: Gaylord Perry. Performance enhancing drugs are cause to prevent enshrinement? Before steroids, amphetamines and other 'pick-me-ups' were in sufficiently common use that even Hank Aaron admits that he tried speed once. Just once, but he did.

So. Barry Bonds. Home Run King. Hall of Fame. Hold your nose if you have to. Just do it.

FETAL TISSUE
I don't like to talk about this. There's an ick factor. But I must.

According to the video that's being used to castigate Planned Parenthood, Planned Parenthood did nothing wrong. NOTHING. Abortions are legal. Fetal tissue is useful in research and therapeutically. What the video that's making the rounds and causing such a furor demonstrates, if you watch the whole video, is that Planned Parenthood first gets permission from pregnant women to donate fetal tissue, then takes care during the abortion to preserve the tissue, then sells the tissue just for the cost of procuring it, usually less than $100. All perfectly legal and perfectly ethical if you believe that abortion should be legal (It is.) and that it should be legal to donate fetal tissue that is the product of an abortion at cost and with the mother's consent (It is).

The folks who released the heavily edited version of the video didn't show the part where the representative of Planned Parenthood refused to sell fetal tissue at more than cost. Substantially more. Let me say that again. Planned Parenthood was offered a substantial amount of money to sell fetal tissue clandestinely and at a huge profit. And refused.

So what we have is a video of an attempted entrapment that failed. And this was a very elaborate setup. The person who videoed the conversation had spent two years courting Planned Parenthood, pretending to be a friend. And still, Planned Parenthood refused to break the law for profit. But because of the subject matter, the ick factor, the story is gaining traction. I am truly sorry for Planned Parenthood. They are being castigated for having demonstrated that they are not corruptible. How ironic is it that corrupt Washington politicians are now demanding that they be investigated?