My sources confirm that the national Democratic Party has taken to heart the criticisms concerning Party rules leveled by Sanders and his supporters. In a surprise move, DNC Chair Deb Wasserman Schultz has resigned. Her place will be taken by former University of Mississippi activist Melissa Click. Click immediately announced that the current nomination process has been scrapped.
Clinton's lead of approximately 300 pledged delegates, her amassing of over 2.5 million more primary votes than Sanders will no longer matter. Instead, a new regimen will be put into place. The nominee will be decided by an internet poll conducted on the first night of the Party's convention in Philadelphia exclusively among users of Twitter, Reddit, Instagram, and Snapchat. In case of a tie, the prospective nominee whose supporters use the most capital letters in their responses to survey questions will be judged the winner.
"It's about MODERN DEMOCRACY," said Sanders supporter Persephone Rainbow. "I mean, REALLY. If you don't understand MODERN MEANS OF COMMUNICATION, you DON'T DESERVE to be nominated. #BernieOrBust."
Clinton supporter Eleanor Bluehair saw things differently. "They are disenfranchising Myspace voters. Doesn't loyalty and tradition stand for anything anymore?"
Sanders released a statement saying that he would agree with the decision as long as it resulted in a victory for his campaign. If he lost, he reserved the right to change his mind. Clinton's campaign was too busy buying every available share of Twitter stock to comment.